Your Hilariously Accurate Horoscope for February 3 - February 9, 2025
(The universe is watching… and probably laughing.)
♈ Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The Moon starts the week in your sign, supercharging your energy. This is great for productivity—but terrible for everyone who has to deal with you when you’re "on fire." Venus struts into Aries on the 4th, making you extra charming. Try using this power for good and not just to win petty arguments.
💡 Cosmic Advice: Breathe before responding to texts in all caps.
♉ Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You’ll feel a sudden urge to curl up in a blanket burrito and avoid responsibilities. Go ahead—indulge. But by midweek, the Moon moves into Taurus, meaning you have to at least pretend to be a functional adult. Venus in Aries is pushing you out of your comfort zone, so naturally, you’ll resist.
💡 Cosmic Advice: If an opportunity sounds like work, just call it “manifesting” and suddenly it’s spiritual.
♊ Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You’re on fire this week, Gemini! Jupiter goes direct, meaning your social skills are sharper than ever—so go ahead, convince someone you meant to forget their birthday. Networking is in your favor, but so is running your mouth, so try not to say anything that will haunt you in five years.
💡 Cosmic Advice: Just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to tweet it.
♋ Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
The week is all about work-life balance, which for you means answering emails while crying into a tub of ice cream. The Moon moves into Cancer on the 8th, making you extra emotional. Just be careful—your feelings are valid, but that doesn’t mean you should send a 2 a.m. "We need to talk" text.
💡 Cosmic Advice: Cry in a chic way this week. Maybe near a scenic window or at an art gallery.
♌ Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You’re radiating main character energy this week. Venus in Aries means you want to be spontaneous—but you also demand controlled spontaneity, which is just called "making plans." A new adventure is calling! (So is your boss. Maybe answer that first.)
💡 Cosmic Advice: You can reinvent yourself without making a dramatic Instagram post about it.
♍ Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The planets are pushing you toward introspection, which is just astrology’s way of saying “sit quietly and deal with your life.” Jupiter direct has you reevaluating finances—by which we mean staring at your bank statement and wondering where it all went.
💡 Cosmic Advice: A budget is just a dream with a spreadsheet.
♎ Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Relationships are the theme of the week. Whether it’s your love life, friendships, or that one coworker who insists on chewing loudly during meetings, you’re being asked to balance your emotions. Venus in Aries is making you extra flirty, but remember: DMs are forever.
💡 Cosmic Advice: If you have to ask “Should I text them?” the answer is probably no.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Time to get your life together… or at least pretend you have. The cosmos are pushing you toward organization, productivity, and being a responsible human—ugh. Jupiter direct might throw a surprise work opportunity your way. Accept it quickly before you can talk yourself out of it.
💡 Cosmic Advice: Color-coded planners don’t solve problems, but they do make you feel powerful.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Creativity and romance are in the air, which means it’s the perfect time to pick up a new hobby, plan a trip, or swipe right on everybody. Venus in Aries is making you bolder than usual—great for confidence, terrible for impulse purchases.
💡 Cosmic Advice: Maybe ask your friend before booking that spontaneous getaway “for the vibes.”
♑ Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Home and family take center stage this week. Translation: You will be forced to answer texts from relatives. You might find yourself in a sentimental mood—don’t fight it. Hug a loved one. Watch an old movie. Call your mom (or at least pretend you were about to).
💡 Cosmic Advice: The universe sees your to-do list, and frankly, it’s concerned.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
You have a lot to say this week, and guess what? People are actually listening! Jupiter direct is making you extra chatty, so go ahead and pitch your ideas, send that risky email, or start an argument just to see where it goes. Just maybe don’t start a podcast.
💡 Cosmic Advice: Speak your truth, but maybe not all of it at once.
♓ Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Money is on your mind, but so is that one thing you said in 2014 that still haunts you. Venus in Aries might tempt you to spend recklessly—try to resist (or at least make sure you really need another houseplant). Financial stability is coming… just not this week.
💡 Cosmic Advice: Ask yourself, “Is this a need or a want?” and then immediately ignore the answer.
Final Cosmic Thought:
The universe is chaotic, unpredictable, and full of mysteries. Much like your week will be. Try your best, laugh at the absurdity, and maybe don’t read too much into the stars—they’re very, very far away.
✨ Until next week, may your WiFi be strong and your coffee be hot. ✨