Your Hilariously Absurd Horoscope for the Week of March 4 - March 10, 2025
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Your Hilariously Absurd Horoscope for the Week of March 4 - March 10, 2025
(Brought to you by the celestial forces, misplaced socks, and the uncanny feeling that you’re forgetting something important.)
♈ Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This week, you will have an unshakable feeling that you are being followed. Don’t worry—it’s just your own shadow. But be careful: on Wednesday, you may attempt to walk through a door that isn’t open. Someone will ask you a simple question, and you will take three business days to answer because you fell into a Wikipedia rabbit hole.
💡 Lucky Object: That one pen that somehow makes your handwriting look better than usual.
♉ Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
At some point this week, you will have to pretend to understand a joke that you absolutely do not get. Just laugh and nod—no one will know. On Thursday, you will confidently walk in the wrong direction and refuse to admit it. The Moon suggests you will have an intense craving for a food that no longer exists.
💡 Cosmic Tip: If you accidentally wave at someone who wasn’t waving at you, just commit to it. Wave at everyone.
♊ Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Mercury is stirring up some chaos this week, meaning you will type a long text, delete it, retype it, then decide to ignore the conversation completely. You will be deeply passionate about something for exactly 48 hours before moving on to another grand obsession. The stars also suggest a supernatural event may occur, but it’s more likely to just be a glitch in your WiFi.
💡 Fate’s Message: Your socks will never match, no matter what you do. Accept it.
♋ Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Prepare for a deep emotional moment caused by something minor, such as a well-placed song lyric or an aggressively polite email. You will spend half the week regretting a thing you said five years ago and the other half wondering if you should message someone first. The Moon suggests a clumsy accident involving a beverage—protect your drinks at all costs.
💡 Beware: Tuesday’s energy suggests you will misplace something that is literally in your hand.
♌ Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will enter a room dramatically this week. Was it necessary? No. Will you do it again? Absolutely. Expect a compliment from an unexpected source—possibly a toddler, an automated email, or a pigeon that stares at you approvingly. The universe dares you to try humility for a day but knows you won’t take the challenge.
💡 Lucky Symbol: A mirror you check just to see if you still got it (you do).
♍ Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A simple task will turn into a full-scale organizational project that no one asked for. You will attempt to be spontaneous, only to create a detailed itinerary for your spontaneity. This week, you will also correct someone’s grammar in your head and feel immensely superior. Friday brings an existential crisis over an incorrectly placed apostrophe.
💡 Avoid: Pondering why “flammable” and “inflammable” mean the same thing.
♎ Libra (September 23 - October 22)
A mild inconvenience will send you into a spiral of indecision so powerful that you will consider changing your entire life plan over a slightly disappointing coffee. On Thursday, you will dramatically sigh at least three times. You will receive an email that absolutely could have been a text.
💡 Best Strategy: Let a coin flip decide for you, then ignore its result and do what you actually wanted.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will make unsettling eye contact with a stranger at least once this week. Was it fate? Was it a warning? The universe won’t say. Your mysterious aura will increase by 20%, but only because you will start answering questions with cryptic pauses. Someone will try to figure you out—don’t let them.
💡 Watch Out For: That one squeaky floorboard in your house that you never remember until it’s 2 AM.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your adventurous spirit is itching for something new, so naturally, you will rearrange your furniture at an inopportune time. This week, you will become irrationally confident in something you have no experience with—be it a DIY project, baking, or fixing a mysterious noise in your car. Will it end well? That’s for fate to decide.
💡 Lucky Number: Whatever number you instinctively think of first after reading this.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You will have a brief moment of peace—and immediately assume you forgot something important. The universe suggests you take a break, but we both know you won’t. On Saturday, you will judge someone for being late, only to be late yourself the next day. Also, your to-do list is technically infinite now. Congratulations!
💡 Warning: If a grocery cart is wobbly, don’t pick it. It wants to ruin your life.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
This week, you will stumble upon a fact so obscure that it will become your entire personality for the next month. Someone will describe you as “quirky,” and you will internally debate whether that was an insult. You will experience an uncanny déjà vu moment, but rather than investigate it, you will decide it’s not your problem.
💡 Avoid: Accidentally reading the comment section of anything.
♓ Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will have an elaborate daydream, only to snap out of it and realize you have no idea what’s happening around you. The stars suggest you will hear a song that feels deeply personal, even though it’s about something entirely unrelated to your life. On Friday, you will experience a strong urge to run away and become a lighthouse keeper.
💡 Prophecy: The more you try to act normal this week, the weirder you will seem.
Final Cosmic Advice:
Life is a chaotic blend of coincidence, destiny, and forgetting why you walked into a room. Accept the absurdity, embrace your quirks, and don’t overthink it (unless overthinking is your hobby, in which case, carry on).
✨ Until next week, may your coffee be strong and your questionable decisions be mildly entertaining.