Your Hilariously Absurd Horoscope for the Week of February 25 - March 3, 2025

♈ Aries (March 21 - April 19):
🛹🔥 This week, you will attempt to master extreme parkour after watching a 10-second clip on social media. Your first attempt will be legendary… in that it will inspire bystanders to call for help. Proceed with caution (and maybe knee pads).

♉ Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
🍲👀 You will accidentally start a new culinary trend when you misread a recipe and create “soup toast.” The internet will argue over whether it’s genius or madness, but you’ll profit either way when a trendy café puts it on their menu.

♊ Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
🔍🎩 A magician at a party will reveal that you've been unknowingly carrying a deck of playing cards in your pocket for the last five years. No one, including you, will understand how it got there, but now you’re obligated to learn card tricks.

♋ Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
🦜💬 A parrot will start following you around and mimicking your most embarrassing phrases at the worst possible moments. It refuses to leave, so now you have a feathery sidekick and a lot of explaining to do.

♌ Leo (July 23 - August 22):
📷🌟 You’ll accidentally photobomb a celebrity’s vacation selfie. The internet will go wild trying to figure out who you are, and for 24 hours, you’ll be the most famous person on the planet. Then, just as quickly, you’ll be forgotten.

♍ Virgo (August 23 - September 22):
📚🔮 You will find an ancient book in a thrift store that appears to predict your every move… until you realize it’s just an oddly specific diary from someone with eerily similar life choices. Your existential crisis will be brief but profound.

♎ Libra (September 23 - October 22):
🎭🤔 This week, you’ll get trapped in an unintentional staring contest with a mannequin. You’ll win, but at what cost? The encounter will haunt you, and you may start questioning if the mannequins have been watching you all along.

♏ Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
💡🛠️ You’ll try to fix something minor in your home and accidentally discover an entirely new room behind a wall. Is it a secret storage space or a portal to another dimension? Either way, you’re now the proud owner of some unexpected square footage.

♐ Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
🚀🔑 You will somehow misplace your house keys in the stratosphere. No one, including scientists, will be able to explain how they got there, but NASA will offer to retrieve them—for a hefty price. Time to invest in a spare set.

♑ Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
🎶🦘 A kangaroo will challenge you to a rap battle. You’ll hesitate at first, but once the beat drops, you’ll deliver a verse so powerful that the entire animal kingdom acknowledges you as their lyrical champion.

♒ Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
📞📟 You’ll receive a phone call from an unknown number. When you answer, it’s you from an alternate timeline, warning you not to eat the last slice of pizza. You’ll ignore the warning, and later, you’ll understand exactly why they called.

♓ Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
🧼🐟 This week, a fish will appear to wink at you. Whether it’s a cosmic message or just a weird muscle spasm remains unclear. Either way, you’ll spend an unreasonable amount of time contemplating the deep, mysterious wisdom of aquatic creatures.

🌟 Remember, these horoscopes are purely for entertainment purposes. Embrace the absurdity and have a hilariously unpredictable week! 🌟